Ben Madilynn
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I co-parent my almost 10-year-old with his father. Some things I can control, some things I can’t. I don’t have control over his father’s house, or the way he keeps it. There are three indoor cats, and he’s not managing their bathroom habits well. Our son smells like cat urine when he leaves there. It clings to his bookbag, his hair, his clothes. I know things are being washed over there, because I can tell his clothes are laundered, but it still smells. His dad is getting new carpet put in next week, but overall doesn’t seem to acknowledge the issue. He’s either nose blind to the smell, or too prideful to admit that he’s unsure of what to do when confronted (even by a current friend/partner).
His dad joked about having a nickname in high school for the way he smelled. I don’t want that for my child. I don’t know if, for the sake of co-parenting peace, I should send two-to-three ziplocked bags of clothes with our son so he can change in the mornings? If I do that, I’m unsure of how to explain it without being derogatory towards his father. Do you have any suggestions?
—This Stinks (But My Kid Shouldn’t)
Dear This Stinks,
You need to have a serious conversation with your child’s father about this issue before it escalates. If you smell cat urine on your son, his classmates and teachers smell it too. Let your co-parent know that he must take steps to address the cleanliness of his house. It’s obvious that either he’s not changing the cat litter often enough and/or his cats are peeing outside of their box. Though it isn’t your responsibility to take care of his household, it is up to you to protect your son from the inevitable consequences of his failure to do so. If you can’t ascertain the cat care situation yourself or from your ex, ask your son how many litter boxes there are for the three cats, how often they’re being cleaned, and if the cats just pee all over the house. Offer to help your son’s father address the smell, perhaps by ordering him new litter boxes or sending over deodorizing cat litter (you can sign up for a subscription on Amazon and have it sent every month). You absolutely should send your son well-packaged clothes so he doesn’t have to go to school reeking, regardless of how it may make his father feel.
I don’t know the terms of your custody agreement and if you worked it out between the two of you or in a court. If it’s the latter, this is the sort of thing that could lead to your son’s father losing time with him. Let him know you don’t want to escalate this issue, but that you will if things don’t improve, and quickly.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I need some advice. My 6.5-year-old son is constantly trying to hug, kiss, and squeeze his 2-year-old brother, out of love. It’s not malicious or inherently violent, but he does use his much bigger size to restrain his little brother. The younger one often reacts by hitting, kicking, biting, along with yelling “no” and “stop.” We’ve had many talks about consent and respecting boundaries, but my older son continues, which is concerning. I’m struggling with how to teach this lesson effectively without just resorting to punishment. I want to handle this gently but also ensure my oldest learns to respect people’s boundaries. Any advice?
—The Oldest
Dear The Oldest,
When your eldest violates your youngest’s boundaries, there should be consequences. These don’t need to be harsh punishments; you can give him a time-out, take away a favorite toy temporarily, or withdraw dessert privileges for the day. You also need to talk to your son and ask him why he insists on squeezing on his brother despite his protestations. Ask him how he would feel if someone bigger than him took away his ability to move around and refused to let him go when he complained. Get a few books on bodily autonomy: Let’s Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect and Body Boundaries Make Me Stronger are two good ones. Focus on driving home the message that it is important to only touch people in the way that they want to be touched, no matter how much affection you may have for them. Let him know that you understand that he loves his brother very much, but that it’s unkind to restrain him in an attempt to show him that he does. Explain that little kids don’t like being held down or squeezed and that it’s unfair to do something like that to someone who can’t defend themselves. If these things don’t work, you may want to consider sending him to a therapist or counselor who can get to the bottom of his need to get physical with his brother.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I are both trans and live in an expensive area where we feel like we have to choose between parenthood and home ownership. Our insurance doesn’t cover IVF (though neither of us want to be birthing parents anyway) and the legal fees for adoption are equally expensive. We also know that home ownership is pretty crucial to being seen as good adoptive parents, should we pursue that route to parenthood. We both have good jobs, we could easily fit a child into our budget if one appeared on our doorstep, but saving for adoption legal fees AND a home doesn’t feel possible.
We are at a time in our lives where seemingly all of our straight friends are having baby number two, and I can’t help but feel jealous that becoming parents is so much easier for them. I know everyone’s road to parenthood is hard in some way, and I’m sure some of them have had fertility challenges we don’t know about. I am so happy for our friends, but we want that life too, and damnit, I just need to acknowledge that I’m envious. And I think we’d be pretty great parents! We’ve both been to therapy and have read so many parenting books, looked into ethical adoption, even found family therapists who specialize in working with adoptees. We’ve also talked about being foster parents, knowing that the goal there is family reunification, but then we get stuck back on the home ownership thing again and the fear of how we’d be viewed as two trans foster dads.
We have a solid social support system here, so moving somewhere cheaper to start a family feels entirely counterproductive. I know the world doesn’t owe us a child, but how do I grieve and accept we might never be parents?
—Baby Blues
Dear Baby Blues,
I don’t think it’s time for you to grieve. You and your partner want very badly to be parents, and seem to have more resources than a lot of people do when they start a family. I understand your resentment for how easy it is for cisgender hetero folks to have children, and you should take the time to try and work through that for your own peace of mind. But it doesn’t seem to me that you all should throw in the towel without giving adoption or fostering a chance. There are so many children who need a loving home, and you two are prepared to provide one. Look into agencies that specifically acknowledge that they work to place kids in LGBTQ homes; there are more of them than you may have assumed. Research resources designed to help LGBTQ families navigate the adoption process. Keep talking to your therapist about your anxiety, and when it comes to your friends with kids, it’s okay to be honest with them about the fact that you fear you may never have the family you desire. They will likely be understanding, even if they had easy paths to parenthood. But I wouldn’t suggest grieving or giving up until you’ve given this everything you have. Your deep desire to be parents is clear, and you owe it to yourselves to try.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m reaching out as a concerned mother, worried about my 14-year-old daughter’s recent fixations and interests. She’s become obsessed with Elle Barbie and Nara Smith, and is determined to get an ethnic nose job when she’s older. She’s also started wearing contacts, pink blush, talking in what her father calls a Disney voice and only shows an interest in specifically white boys. I’m concerned that her idolization of beauty standards will lead to self-loathing and insecurity. Her Hispanic best friend creates TikTok videos claiming “white boys are made for Latinas.”
My baby was raised in a loving Black household with both parents present, so it’s demoralizing to see her embracing these harmful ideals. Our eldest daughter, on the other hand, loves herself and dates Black folks. Is this a generational trend with Gen Z or something more complex? I am Blasian, my daughter’s darker skinned, and I’ve wondered if our subtle differences have influenced her self-perception. How can I guide her towards self-love without being overbearing?
—A Mother’s Plea
Dear A Mother’s Plea,
I’m curious to know what sort of measures you and your spouse have taken to affirm your daughter’s racial self-identity over the years. It is especially important to make sure that dark-skinned Black children are surrounded with positive affirmation about their looks. From an early age, you should have been exposing her to artwork, books, movies and TV shows that center dark skinned Black girls and women in positive ways. I would imagine that having a mixed-race mother may have created some insecurity for your daughter, considering that “exotic” Black women and girls are often treated as the beauty standard in our community. Your daughter’s hang-ups are not exclusive to Gen Z; as long as there has been recorded media in this country, darker girls and women have been made to feel as if they are somehow insufficient (and darker boys and men have often participated in that, favoring women and girls with lighter complexions).
You’ll need to work diligently to try and course correct. Talk to your daughter about her appearance and explain that her dark skin is a gift and central to what makes her beautiful. Make a point of highlighting dark skinned girls and women in media; hang pictures of them in your home so she is constantly surrounded by affirming images. Talk to her about the beauty and power of Black love, and why it’s unhealthy to specifically fixate on dating outside of her race; be clear that nothing is wrong with mixed couples, but that it simply isn’t right to prefer something other than what you are. If she’s wearing colored contacts, I would consider prohibiting her from doing so. It’s not right for such a young girl to be trying to change her ethnic appearance.
It’s also crucial that your daughter’s father is also having conversations with her about how beautiful she is and how proud she should be to be a dark-skinned Black girl. By choosing a mixed-race partner, he has inadvertently communicated to her that girls who look like you are more beautiful than she is. He should also give some thought to the women she has heard him describe as beautiful. If Beyoncé and Rihanna are his celebrity crushes, certainly that has sent a message as well. I would recommend that both of you do some reading on colorism to help you understand what your daughter is experiencing. Same Family, Different Colors and Don’t Play In the Sun are excellent books that feature first person testimonies on how it feels to be a darker girl in a world that favors light skin.
—Jamilah
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